I saw a halo around your head.
Running, running from the clock.
Running, running from the clock.
I hate people.
You know... I just start to get comfortable. Just think, "Oh I'm getting my feet under me, I have a balance, I'm good now, things are climbing upwards" and then I get hit with something.
You have no idea how much I want to curl up and cry right now. I came home, all happy, setting up a character and a pay situation for Brent to use my nexon account.. I mean, hey we're never on the game at the same time, anyway, right? 'Cuz we live together anyway.
So, ha ha, funny... Yeah. Funny.
He decides to tell me... "Hey I've found I place I can live now that's $400.00 a month... full cable, internet, free meals, bigger room, blah blah blah... I'm moving in with Matt and his mum."
Blink.
Oh.
That's nice.
Okay Mel, try and stay calm, smile... keep it together.
I mean... I had been afraid of this when he first moved in... cuz... he hadn't signed a new lease. Heh... yeah... funny, huh? I was all paranoid that this guy I'd only known a few weeks would bail on me. Then for a few months I took care of his drunk ass.. I put up with shit... not to "put up with it" I started to honestly LIKE the guy. He's been okay in my books, ecentric but really cool... easy for me to talk to and shit. Got rather attached I did... tried to cheer him up when he's down... tried to be a good friend and a good room mate. Guess I'm too messy or something... guess I don't pull my own weight... even if I DID dip into my savings to pay for all of last month's bills by MYSELF. Haven't gotten my repayment for that.
Oh well.
Go perform an all but impossible act of masterbation on yourself, man.
I haven't told Kako this... don't plan too... she's already too stressed out. She doesn't need more stress. That would acheive nothing. She can't help me through this. The phone may be disconnected tomorrow, I've been trying to get someong IN to hook the fucking thing up but they never fucking CALL BACK! I'm stressed out. I want wine. Lots of wine. Sake. I want a cigar... and a bubble bath... and booze. Lots of booze.
*SIGH*
I was so happy just an hour ago...
Now I'm just... really scared.
Wonder if anyone reads this anymore. Don't blame anyone if they don't... I'm never around to talk to, am I? You know.. I only have three close friends right now in my area...
Brent, Matt and Mark. Mark's... not that close... Matt was closer once... Brent. I fucking trusted you man. You're saying you're not going to leave me inthe lurch. But you will. You are. Kiley said the same thing, y'know.
I won't leave you in a lurch, kiddo.
I won't leave you in a lurch, Panpan-chan.
I'm fucking lurching over here. Lurching all to hell. You're moving IN with Matt... there's two out of three "friends" I can't call on. Mark's mum is sick, he lives with her... he can't leave her NOW.
Oh! Did you realize I don't KNOW anyone in Edmonton? I spend my time working.. or with YOU THREE! I. Have. No. One. To. Help. Me! I can't leave my lease! I can't break it! I need good history for the immigration applications! I CAN'T LEAVE! I'M FUCKING STUCK HERE YOU SON OF A CROSS-EYED WHORE!
*sniffle* Where are the bā xiān 八仙 when I need them?
藍采和? Some call you patron of florists, or of the poor, this and that... you're my favourite... please don't make me poor to show me your favour, Ts'ai-ho. Lan-sama, onegai... I want to keep my apartment... why am I being thrown off kilter again? Naze?
Running, running from the clock.
You know, things can be so... frustrating. I often want things I really don't think I'll ever be able to have, but at least I know those things are unrealistic. What makes me upset, is when I want something so mundane, something other people take for granted, and yet... I know that I probably won't be getting that for years. Months if I'm foolishly optomistic... but years is the mre likely truth.
All I would really like, is a little apartment, the ability to comfortably pay my rent and bills each month and my lover next to me in bed every night. Simple, na?
Not when you take into account real life. Real life is... getting paid barely enough to make due, room mates ('nuff said)
Running, running from the clock.
I'm lonely. I know it's sort of selfish, but I'm jealous of Koi. Jealous that she's at AX and I'm not. I'd love to just suddenly be there, and running around, playing, enjoying a bit of fun. I keep trying to constantly make more fun for myself. I dress all kiddish at this time, talk louder, force more laughs. Crack more jokes, because I'm sad.
I'm sad that I may not get to be with Koi for another Four years. I'm sad that the bills are being hellish, may not have power for a day or so when we have to switch things over. Rather, when we disconnect the current power then reinstal under my name. All the bills will have to be under my name. Aniki's credit is screwed up because of cell phone bills.
I want to be running around with Koi and Mo-tan and Evie. *sighs and shakes his head* Koi's right, I sound pathetic.
I'm just rather stressed out... I know others are as well. Really, I have no fair reason to be... I'm just worried. We're supposed to take our first live calls today... I'm nervous. It's time for my break now. Well, soon. Mou. Yeah.
*frown* Screw it I'll stay in for my break. Can't afford to buy myself food anyway.
I think I lost my ID earlier today, when I was in the computer store. We bought a monitor... but Brent's tower's no good. Sp no 'net anytime soon it seems. Mou... no ID, I'll have to go to the DMV again or buy an ID or something like that. ~_~;;;; Bugger.
Have to pay the Rent, it's late, we have an eviction notice for the 17th... but we have the money... hell I have $340.00 in my pocket right now for rent. Pretty pink and green money... *PBBT*
...I feel depressed... how annoying. I wanna curl up under the desk and sleep. Un.
Running, running from the clock.
Blargh...
I'm tired today, yesterday was Canada day, but I stayed home and did house cleaning with Brent. He still needs a nickname. I keep calling him "Aniki" since we have somewhat similar family backgrounds and he's older than me. *shrug*
Yay. Gay, skipping, fa-la-la-ing construction worker.
Er... getting paid today, less than $500.00, because abought $90.00 goes to taxes. *frowns and crosses his arms* So that's, what... $330.00 to rent. $170.00 for Power bills and food etc. I have to re-arrange all the bills to me or Brent's name this week. Look into 'Net hookup, pitch in for buying Brent a monitor so I have call on using his comp until Cronk is operational. Grr. *rubs his temples and screws up his face* I~tei!
Hidoi...
I'm hungry damnit. I wanna eat my PB&J sandwiches!
*mutter grumble*
Just finished my Assessment... was totally just guessing on the last section... the the rest was easy so I'm not really worried. *sighs and rubs the back of his head*
*BLINK* Oh!
That reminds me... yesterday I found these big rusty shear-like scissors. Took them with me out on the balcony of the apartment and chopped off a bunch of my hair. Yeah. Now I have Eartails... *cough* Again.
Hrm... anything else I need to say? *purses his lips, green eyes narrowing* ... *shrugs* Guess not.
Ja.
Running, running from the clock.
Well, never went to the club that day. The line was long and they were already over-limit for people inside. Even the bar-tender I was with couldn't get me in. So Kai and I walked home instead.
The greek food was FABULOUS. I like humus... sp? *snerk*
I'm sneaking on here in a break at work... SHHHHHHH... kore wa himitsu desu.
Uh... I miss Kako-chan. Kai-kun is rearing and ready to move away and leave me behind now. Brent is already moved in with us. Kai's waiting to go... Brent needs a Japanese nick name! "Bu-Ren-To" just ain't fun enough!
I swept and mopped the floor today, took out all the trash... luv that Brent pushes me to clean... I always need a little incentive. Yeah.
I say hi to y'all.
Nin-chan, sorry about the phone number mix up. *cough* I'll try to call you sometime... go to the Hidakatag pita acct. and leave me a note as to when I should try and call.
Sena... *salutes* hey to you, dude.
I can't remember who else has this URL... so Ja.
*bows out*
Running, running from the clock.
*GROAN*
Koi, I miss you. I know you never believe me. I know you aren't going to read this... but I'm sorry I'm not going to be there for your birthday tomorrow...
I wish I could be.
*sigh* Why does she always think I'm cheating on her... with GUYS no less. Gay guys. *sweatdrops* Uh... honey? They are da GAY. Okaaaaaaay? GAAAAAAAY.
*shakes head and puts a hand to forehead* Honestly!
Anyway... I'm being taken to a club tonight... *sweatdrop* Againt my will, rest assured. Then I have a dinner party tomorrow. Greek food. O-o; Never had greek before... this should be interesting.
Okay... off with me now.
Running, running from the clock.
I had a random thought.
Don't look so damn shocked.
I was looking in the mirror... turned from side to side.
I've been called narcissistic from time to time, because I have the idea... that I want to look so good... that I'd want to fuck me. What? C'mon... work with me here.
So I asked myself... "If I were someone else, and I met someone who looked like me, would I want to do that person?"
Yeah. I mean... I might be like.. GEH! Once the clothes came off... but if I just met someone that looked like me...
((And I looked totally different))
...I'd hit on myself.
So, while being stuck in a body shape that I, personally, do not think suits my personality type very well... I can at least be happy with the fact that... Hey, at least I'm not in an UGLY body that doesn't suit me. *shrugs*
The body I think would suit me better... I wouldn't want to have sex with, at anyrate.
Running, running from the clock.
Hey, thanks Nin.
*sweatdrops and smiles* I really couldn't seem to figure the damn thing out. Sorry I'm such a pest. *sighs and rakes back his hair* I'll... uh... I'll have to send you something nice the moment I have money. *smiles sheepishly*
Probably something involving Far or Muraki. *winks* You just like that dignified light hair, hmm?
*sighs and leans back in his chair, closing his eyes*
I have Kako's small fire spell at level 90 out of 100. It was under 50 a few days ago... pain in the butt to level spells. When they're lower level they miss the targets more often. Now it's good enough that out of a MP bar of like 900 I can take it to 0 using the 20 MP spell. The refill on the MP is 77MP at a time but I can be fast enough to eat it down to nothing.
I know this probably makes little to no sense to most people but it makes standing there zapping yourself a bit of a competitive game. Basically racing the refill to try and suck the MP down to zero... and if you're down to like 16MP you can't cast until the refill has up'd it to 93MP... which at most you can lower to 13MP... which refills to 90MP... which makes 10MP... yeah...
Gotta have your fun where ya can, I guess.
Things of mild interest:
1. Incredibly, I've become more anal.
I have a need to design rooms to maintain neatness. Have yet to implicate this in our cluttered single room... but rest assured it will be met in my new room. Mwaha!
2. I've gotten hooked on diet Pepsi and diet 7-up.
3. I own a lot of stuffed animals... only a few of which I can bring to Canada. Damn luggage.
4. ...I need a rice cooker.
5. I'm hungry.
6. I'm just making this list because I like typing the numbers.
7. Wheeee... what a pretty number!
8. I'm going to miss braiding Kako's hair.
9. I'm debating using my bigger tote for carry-on... my shoulder bag is full already.
10. I'm never going to get to see my hamster again... and I just got to really love the little fucker, too.
*sighs and glances to the side* Okay... so I'm being whiney. Yeah, I know, I hate whiners too. I just... what else can I do? I can't change this situation and whining, while not productive, at least gets my emotions voiced. I mean... yeah. What else can I do? I can't even read Manga now because they're filling most of my luggage.
Which, by the way, weighs a goddamn TON because of it. *shakes his head* I'm going to hurt myself pulling this shit off the luggage cart.
What am I up to right this minute? Turning a letter to Kako from college over in my hands, listening to the "Genkai Haretsu" remix done by Oblivion Dust for the "hide: spirit TRIBUTES" CD. che' what a way to die... strangle yourself while masterbating. *shakes head then lifts his can of diet Pepsi*
Here's to you, hide. In memory of May 2nd, when pleasure met post-mortum. *drinks*
Since we're on the topic of music. I did this quiz... survey... thing. Yeah.
...
Music survey nabbed from Nin-zilla
Reminds you of an ex-lover:
I don't have an ex-lover. *coughs* But that damn Aerosmith song from Armageddon... "Don't wanna close my eyes"... that used to make me bawl in the time Koi and I broke up.
And "I for You", Luna Sea, is another one that makes me think of the earlier years of our relationship.
Reminds you of an ex-friend:
EX-friends aren't worth having songs for. It's a waste of a song. *arches an eyebrow*
Makes you laugh/smile:
"~Oh My Friend~", Sophia
And yeah, the squiggles are part of it's title...
"Kiss me, Kill me", Farf's seiyuu... I think of what he's saying and laugh my ass off.
You never want to hear again:
Hrm... I can't think of one, perhaps... uh... No, can't think of one. I'll get back to ya on that.
Reminds you of your childhood:
Hrm... "Rocky Top", Born Honey It's a country song my mother used to always get roped into singing at family reunions. I think it's Tenessee's like... State song. *sweatdrops* Numerous other Country songs which I cannot remember the names or artists but which if I happen to be somewhere and they play I can sing along to... shockingly. Only country music from the 80's or earlier though. After that I got a CD player and stopped having to listen to my parents' music! YAY!
Sums up your teenage years:
"Blister in the sun",I forget who plays it. Shit.
You want to get married to:
"Forever Love", X Japan
You like to wake up to:
A number of songs by hide, "Genkai Haretsu", "50/50", "LEMONed I Scream", "Electric Cucumber", "DOD",
"Beauty & Stupid"... uh some others.
"Follower", Pierrot wakes me up good too.
You like out of your parents' collection:
*flushes* "Indian Outlaw", Tim McGraw.
"Rocky Top", Born Honey
You love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend:
"Double Dear", Saiyuki and Project Weiss Seiyuu.
Anything and everything by hide, whom I love.
All things Project Weiss... hide and WK both introduced to my by my friend Corrie. *nods* I owe her much.
"Insanity", Oingo Boingo, heh Thanks Nin.
You love the video more than the tune:
Guilty of likeing that same Back Streets boy Video as Nin... I only like the Dr. Jekyll part though.. I thought he looked like Zelgadis from Slayers! Whoo!
Reminds you of your first crush/kiss:
Uh... Sailor Moon music? And the words "NO NICKY! NO!" Screamed and followed by a gunshot.*arches the other brow*
Reminds you of your friends/family or crush/love:
"The Chemicals between us" and "Jesus on the Phone lines", by Bush.
Makes you think of sex:
I, also, like "Number One Crush" by Garbage, Nin.
"Desire", Luna Sea
"Yuuwaku", Glay
Makes you think of being alone:
That damn song by Dedo(sp?) that was mixed with Eminem's song. And that damn song that I never remember the name... Where the woman goes for coffee on a rainy day and there's someone outside who is like... fixing her stockings looking at her reflection int he glass... and doesn't realize that everyone inside can watch her do it.
Also, there is "Goodbye", hide
Has only been released but you love already:
...
I don't really listen to the radio.
Are embarrassed to admit you like:
*coughs* The entire "Mari no Koneko" CD by Koyasu Takehito.
Perks you up:
hide:
"Genkai Haretsu"
"50/50"
"LEMONed I SCREAM"
"Electric Cucumber"
"DOD"
"lassie"
"Follower", Pierrot
Luna Sea:
"Desire"
"Storm"
Yuuki Hiro:
"Crawl" ((He's so cute, singing in French))
"Truth"
"Paper snow"
"Mayfly", Naoe Nagi's seiyuu
There's always tons more too.. I just can't think of them off hand.
Okay. Lets see... do I ahve anything else to say today. No?
If I think of anything I'll add it. *drinks more Pepsi*
Ja, for now.
Running, running from the clock.
Why am I even bothering to write an entry?
I mean, it's not going to show up magically! "WOW! My Shitty HTML skills fixed THEMSELVES! Amazing!" Yeah. Whatever. I don't have much time. I have to go level spells for Kako on Dark Ages. Yes. For those who have been wondering why I'm not online to talk it is because I'm standing on a pixil beach zapping myself so the spells will get stronger. *chuckles* I don't really mind though, it's just that I have other stuff I need to be doing too that makes it annoying... things like...
TRYING TO GET THIS GOD FOR SAKEN FUCKING HANDI-TARDED THING TO WORK RIGHT SO I CAN SEE MY RANTS AND NOT HAVE TO BE SO DAMN ANNOYED! AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!
*sweet smile and he tilts his head* Yes.
Emailed Nin, ranted at her. Poor woman... she doesn't need that shit. Heh, watch, it probably won't even go through. Such is my luck. *smirks* Oh well... perhaps some of what was said should not have been. I don't know... I respect Nin to no end so I don't think she'll take anything I said really wrong. She's a much smarter cookie than that.
Have I outlined my living arrangements yet? Heh Probably on the last time I "posted", right? Well y'all get to hear it AGAIN! YAY!
Okay, on the 29th of April I'll be arriving in Edmonton at 8 pm. So damn early... *sighs* Anyway, Uh... Andrew and Britney will be picking me up. Heh. So strange, am I the only person who still has friends from Jr.High? Must be because I grew up in a place with such a low population. *smirk*
Anyway, damn I've taken to sying that a LOT because Kako does. Anyw- rawr.
After THAT, I go to stay with Kiley (James) and Craig. Kiley who is my ex-boyfriend of one months standing. Who I still SWEAR was that little boy in fourthgrade who gave me that cute pin I kept until I moved down here and lost it... er... and Craig, whom I've also known since elementary. Damn what a freak and I. Elementary friends... che'... my friends are always my friends though. Otherwise I'd have never been friedns with you to begin with! *nods*
Any- At anyrate, heh, I'll be sleeping on their couch for the month of May. In that time I must get a job (or two), find time to work on getting my license and a cell phone. With text msg'ing so.. yeah. Like 500 txt msg... yeah... *sighs and rubs chin* God... life is crazy.
After that, James, Craig and myself move again. We move into a duplex... like a house split in half, with some girl James knows. Some Otaku girl who likes Fushigi Yuugi. *shrugs* That's all I know about her.
In the duplex we'll all have our own rooms. Which will be nice, and a real kitchen. Yeah... when James said that my first though was, "So... are you saying we won't ahve a KITCHEN for the month of May?".
I, of course, did not voice this mental double take. I was too much stupified with the realization as I spoke to him on the phone that I have not heard him speak in... Oh... about 8 months. Heh. Weird feeling to realize that.
*sighs and rolls his head back on his shoulders* Yeah...
So besides the fact that I've been writing letters and playing Dark Ages there's not all that much to say, is there? Hrm. Maybe tomorrow I'll have time to look at this god-damn thing and make it work... but I don't have hopes for that.
Bah. So long as the Pitas server is keeping my entries I'll be happy. Wheeeee blank blogs are FUN FUN!
... *narrows eyes*
*stomps off with a scribble in his thought bubble*
Running, running from the clock.
I feel rather cold right now. Not emotionally but physically, yet, the way my hands are shaking isn't because of the temperature.
It's strange really. I was re-reading Koi's last blog entry. My heart hurts now. I don't know why life is so complicated for us. I hate complications. We just have to deal with them I suppose.
I talked to Sena-san today, told him I'd be gone in a week. We chatted, as usual I spoke more than he did, but that's okay. That's as it generally is. I like him, he's funny, such a fanboy but I'm not much better. Kako thinks it's odd for me to talk to him, since well, Kako and he were once involved. I'm usually so jealous, that may be why it confuses her, but I respect and like Sena. I think that if there were to be anyone to take my place in her heart... Sena is one to whom I would begrudge the matter the least.
So... the Entries won't seem to show up in this new blog. I'll try to get that fixed fast as possible. I'm not sure what the problem is. I may cave and whine at Nin again is she is on. If not... then... well, then I guess no one will be reading this, will they? *laughs*
*blinks at the noisy hamster* ... I asked for help on my layout from a random person. They told me it was horendous and that I'm not even worth helping because I didn't understand something they said regarding the entry prompts.
Yeah, buddy, I know my layout sucks. I know I haven't got a clue when it comes to html. But that doesn't mean I'm "Not even worth speaking to". You don't know me. You don't know the things I go through. Sure, I'm no goddamn hero. I'm no genius, I'm not even as artistic as I probably could be. I'm clumbsy and compulsive. I have no volume control when I speak... but "not even worth speaking to"? That's not true at all.
Many people tell me I'm very loyal and other positive things. Most of the time I'm not sure I believe them when they say things like that. I... I don't know. I wish I could figure out what I'm not doing right in my HTML. That would make me feel a lot better. To get it all figure out on my own. *sighs*
I'm already all emotional over the fact that I'll be gone in a week. It upsets me. I don't want to go at all. I want to stay close to Kako. I want to be able to talk to my friends online. I won't even be able to do that... I'll have to skrimp up money for phone cards or get a cell phone with a decent long distance plan. So I can talk to her.
Yeah.
I'm going to go try and tamper with the HTML some more.
I might have died to escape.